Paper Chase

It was the year of heart break, of breaking down and ultimately breaking free. We had buried Danny that October. “In 1997 Danny died and was buried”, she said with dramatic effect. On the third day, nothing happened. That’s the thing about real drama, it isn’t dramatic at all. There is no orchestration to impact the scene, there are no great shows of attention, no crowds gather, not a sound can usually be heard when the unthinkable happens. My friend Jim and I have had this conversation during our times of non-drama, drama. We have both felt the isolation, the silence, the utterly banal state of existence in a time in our lives when we were changed forever. Is it ironic? At the time, humor escapes me, but later, well after the suffering has taken place, I tend to go toward the funny with maudlin delight.
Michael being my resident best friend at the time of Danny’s death did me a solid and gave my other best friend, Lovey, a plane ticket to fly to Cleveland. She flew in from Boston to see us, the kids and I, all shell shocked. As if a bomb had gone off in the house and our faces were frozen into the exact expression the moment of impact we stood in front her motionless, waiting for anyone to free us from the icy prison of heart break. She swept in with love, laughter and lots of hugs, trying to evaluate how far gone we really were. She gave us exactly what we needed at the precise time we needed it… love, buckets, barrels, cascading watery free falling sheets of love. The kids clung to Lovey, as if she were their life line to anything normal, or even human. I was struggling myself, so having a mom type stand-in was the perfect gift for them and me. At night when the kids would go to bed, Lovey and I would talk about the details of me, my life and Danny. “Oh, Kel, I am so sorry.” I looked at Lovey with tears in my eyes knowing she already knew every thought in my head. She had known me since college and we had lots of late night conversations. I never held back from her. With her and my friend, Precious, I had no boundaries. If it was a thought in my head, it fell out of my mouth. They have been like sisters to me since the day I met them. They are as much family to me as my kids, or my own parents and my biological sister. I have told them or they have witnessed firsthand every bad, awful, wonderful, hateful, loving, destructive, productive thing I have ever done. We all have lived in other cities, but never have we truly been separated. That’s how I knew they were my family, as well as my friends.
“I have to get out of this!” I nearly panted as I paced talking to Lovey. “I feel like I am completely trapped in my own skin. I want to do something to make me feel something. I don’t think I can take one more day of feeling numb.” Lovey looked at me full in the face. She mirrored the sadness I felt back to me. While I couldn’t see me anymore, I could still see her. And by seeing her, I knew exactly what I looked like. My fingers unconsciously reached up and rubbed my eyebrows. Lovey touched her own face as she continued to watch me and I realized I was about to rub my own eyebrows completely off. “It’s a bad habit,” I said to her.
“Just think of the money you will save not having to wax them,” Lovey joked back. She made me laugh.
“God, I really needed you. It’s so depressing around here. I have no idea what to do with all of it. I don’t want to cry in front of the kids, making them feel like they to comfort me while they are grieving their dead dad.” Lovey again with a smile, a wonderful soft smile said with absolute love, “You are a great mother. We should all be so lucky to have you. You will get through this. You always manage to get through the really hard stuff.”
“What if this time I can’t?” I asked her with complete sincerity. “What if this time I fall off the cliff and never come back?”
“Kel, you are so strong. You will get through this just like you have gotten through so many other things. You didn’t think you would survive the divorce either, but look at you, here in your own house!” For a moment she paused, knowing this time was different. Danny and I weren’t just separated or even divorced, this time he was dead. Lovey looked up at me from our ratty old couch, “Listen”, she said so softly I almost had to lean in to hear her, “I know this is different, I do. What do you want to do?”
“I want to get my cartilage pierced and dye my hair red.” I had a defiant look on my face and Lovey immediately noticed how determined I was. “O.K.,” she said with trepidation, “I kind of get the piercing, but why red hair?”
“Because it’s something Danny would never had let me do when he was alive. Even when we were divorced I still stayed inside the ‘acceptable’ box so as not to piss him off. He’s gone now. I can do anything I want. I want out of the box.” I looked at Lovey with pleading eyes. I wasn’t really asking for her approval, but I certainly wanted it, or at least her support. Lovey nodded with complete understanding. The next day we went to the mall where she and my kids watched my first step of crawling out of box.
My children, best friend, Lovey and I were all standing in the middle of the isle in the mall waiting for my turn to get my ear pierced. The girl had gone through all the instructions and asked me to sign a waiver. “You sure about this?”Lovey asked just double checking to see if I had a change of heart. “Yeah, I am sure. How bad can it be?” I said smiling at our little adventure. Then the piercing girl asked me to sit down on their piercing stool, wielding her gun in my direction. “Oh it can get bad for some people. I think it’s the big crunch at the end that makes them queasy; ya know, when the pointy part goes through their cartilage it gets kinda loud.” I must have looked nervous because Lovey and Christy were playing with a teddy bear they used for tiny kids who were getting their ears pierced, when they both looked at me and offered up the bear. I’m not really proud of this, but I took the bear. I squeezed the stuffing nearly out of the bear; the young girl took the gun, placed it directly next to my ear and pulled the trigger. I heard a muffled crunch and thought we were through, when she stopped me from getting up; “Hey!” she called out, “We are only half way there.” It was the next sound I heard that nearly made me vomit. She hurriedly pushed the earring all the way through as I heard this awful crunchy, breaking sound that finished with a pop. The bear, fully mangled by my twisting hands, was handed back as Lovey promised to take us all out to dinner. I looked at Lovey and she at me; together, we fell out, tripping over each other, laughing.