Paper Chase (part 4)

Michael and I kept in contact, still talking on the phone trying to figure out how to keep our friendship without a romantic link. The problem was we were like magnets that gravitated towards each other every time we were in a close proximity. While we kept our personal distance he was consistently the one who talked with first thing in the morning and the last one I talked to at night before I slept. With my heart broken, but not shattered, I tried to remember that this was no ordinary break up, he was still my very best friend, and I wanted him happy. That was until one night while we were on phone talking about how we would continue on being each other’s support system, while he and I figured out our next step. I hadn’t realized it until later, I was in the mindset that we were on a break, while he was in the mindset that we were in the midst of break up. Our communication didn’t answer the detailed questions that each of us had, but rather dealt with day to day events, that didn’t really affect the other. We were talking about whom we had seen, what had been funny and our plans for the weekend, when I said, “It’s going to be weird when we actually go out with another person. I am not sure I will be able to look at another man and not think of you. It seems so odd, don’t you think?” There was silence on the other end of the phone. “Michael?” I asked waiting for him to reply. Still there was no answer on his end of the line. “I know it’s weird to think about, but I am sure we will figure it out.” The next time Michael spoke he did so in almost a whisper, “Kel, I am seeing someone. I met her at a party last weekend.” I stood, stunned at how soon he had met someone, feeling like a complete fool that I had thought it would take more time. It had only been a couple of weeks since we had split up. “Wh-wh-what?” I stammered. “I’m sorry. I thought you should know. I didn’t want to tell you over the phone, but I wasn’t sure how I would tell you,” Michael said quietly, with a nervous shaking to his voice. My anger that I thought was merely grief took hold and ran my out of control mouth. “You are already seeing someone? It’s only been two weeks since we went skiing!” I started getting louder. “How is that even possible? You told me you needed time to figure things out. You said you were confused, that you weren’t sure what to do for the future and you were going to spend time alone and you are already with someone?” I was shouting now, my voice audibly shaking along with the rest of my body. “You are certifiable, do you know that? A team of psychiatrists couldn’t fix you and your ridiculous selfishness! How can you just jump from one person to another without a second thought? How is it possible that I didn’t see this coming, you and your narcissistic, completely self absorbed need to use people for your own benefit? Who the hell are you? “ I felt like I had run directly into a brick wall. Michael stunned by my outburst remained silent on the phone. I was stunned myself at how I had behaved, the words that had shot out of my mouth as if propelled by an air gun. In that moment I did what had become a habit and blamed myself for what I was sure, absolutely certain anyone else in the world would have seen from a mile away. I just stood holding the phone, God smacked, with a look of utter surprise, not knowing what else to do. “Kel,” Michael pleaded, “I never meant to hurt you.” And there it was the unknown ending of us come to light. He had delivered the clichéd line used by men the world over, but now it was directed at me like a laser beam. His voice, the sadness, the despair of the situation continued to ring in my ears as I hung up, continuing to be glued to one spot. Once again, my radar for men had been proven to only spotlight those who would ultimately hurt me. Mean to or not, he had taken my very tenuous self esteem and stomped out what little life it held. I had been talking to him in my basement, pacing until the bitter end, and it was a bitter end as I clung to the dead phone wondering what I was going to do now that he was gone. I realized, fearfully late, that I no longer had Michael in my life. He had moved on, leaving me alone. I walked up the stairs to the main floor, hung up the phone and laid on my bed. I was so shocked by the turn of events I couldn’t even cry, I just laid there looking at the ceiling that needed paint. The person I had counted on as my emotional touchstone had left the building. That moment of lying on my bed, just staring at nothing was a turning point, a moment of abject confusion and clarity, a time when I knew if I didn’t take control of myself, I would be in jeopardy of turning hardened, bitter with no hope of reprieve from the cynicism that would encase my soul. I was scared, but not of being alone, but of being a victim of my own anger, my own mind numbing trap of spending years, wasting precious time, rattling around in my own head about how I had gotten hurt again. I got up, got some paper and my favorite pen and sat down in the dining room. I gently place the tip of the pen on the pure white paper and began to write. Words poured out of me like a water faucet left on unattended. Great gushing thoughts and emotions ran down my body through my pen to the empty pages below. Page after page I wrote, hand cramping, I couldn’t get it all out fast enough. Pages scribbled from top to bottom began to fill the table. I stabbed the last period at the end of the last sentence of the last paragraph and finally looked up. Hours had past and I had to get ready for work. Morning had sprung while I was busy excising the hurt that had inhabited my heart. I surveyed all the writing that covered every inch of the table and floor space around where I had sat. I shook my ink stained, aching hand as it tingled from overuse to awaken it for the day. The children would be waking up, so I had to put on my game face. I was still hurt, still reeling from the night before, but I felt as if somehow I would figure out what was next for me, without Michael in my life. I didn’t know why I knew, but I did know in that moment that I was going to keep waking up, having to face my life as it was and if I didn’t move forward, I would definitely be left behind.