You Do the Math.

I looked up the definition of "remainder" today. I needed to know what the series of tubes thought it meant. I knew in my heart what I thought it meant, but I guess, being slightly masochistic, I needed to be assured that I was correct in my thinking. So here it is; remainder-something left after other parts have been taken away, the definition according to Google, which I hear, is never wrong.
It is what I had become after Danny died for my kids, the parents and myself. I was what was left over.
I have in every literal sense apologized to my children for being the remainder. I knew I was ill equipped for the job when I got it, although I had the feeling I had been the remainder before in my life. In several of my relationships I had been the remainder, so why I couldn't wrap my brain around it being so hard then is beyond me.
A remainder in math is not telling of the number(s) in the equation, but the remainder in a relationship seems very telling to those who witness the demise. It became my definitive moment. It became the obsessive point that others felt they needed to remind me. As the remainder I was constantly doing my own mathematical equations of risk factors. Could I afford to do something, bearing out the physical, financial and emotional risk? Could I put the consequence of my action on my family, if I were wrong? These were the haunting questions I rolled in my noggin every time I made a decision about my life. Would the risk be worth the benefit? It was much like flying with no net. One wrong step and I would plummet to my demise leaving the the little ones to then become, yes, that's right, the remainder. Irony can be so cruel.
My hopes and dreams for myself became less important than my worth as the remainder. Here is an oldy but a goody, "Patience is a virtue". Truly, it is an absolute virtue, one I admire in others and recognize as missing in myself. Any patience I have exercised over the years has been merely because of my new title, my status in our family, not because of any great character trait I instinctively had.
I am the least patient person I know. I figured I was given great challenges in order to strengthen my resolve in patience rather than use what I already had.
Being a verbal blurter points out quite clearly how very little patience I have. It shows my immaturity in thoughtful expression, instead letting others know in an instant that immediate gratification is my preferred mode of operation. As a writer, I have to take my time, think things through, mostly, but there are times when even typing or scribbling doesn't slow me down.
I was recently reminded of a time in my life where I was a remainder in a different scenario. I had been left behind, leaving me to believe it was my lack of what ever was required at the time in order to sustain the relationship. I had covered the hole of being left behind with all the usual things one does in order to survive. The hole, being completely plastered over, was now safe to walk on, over and stomp through...until recently when quite unexpectedly it was broken open. My immediate gratification came to the foreground in my head as I rattled around for answers. I wanted to figure out the algebra of what I had done, causing my remaindernous (not a word yet, but maybe Webster will take a second look at it). Was it youthful inexperience? selfishness? ingratitude? All of the above? Yes, it was all of those. I guess, I have always known it was all of those, which is why I have actively tried to evolve in my thinking, my compassion, my expansion of my heart and mind. But what of the subtracted portion of the relationship? What is their role in all of this?
In a subtraction problem there are named components. I believe this particular relationship is more about subtraction than algebra, so this is the equation I am going to delve in. The first value is called the minuend it the total that the subtraction is going to come from. In math it would be the first number in the problem ie., 10-8=2, 10 is the minuend. The second value is the subtrahend. In the example 8 is the subtrahend. The last number is called the difference. So what is the difference? This is the question I have been asking myself the last couple of days. What is the difference?
Here is my solution, thus far. The relationship I had back then was not the minuend. The minuend was the person who left, I was then the subtrahend, the thing subtracted out, and the difference? Well, the difference is anything I want it to be. If I live out the hurt , disappointment and keep all the sadness, then the difference is a broken heart. If I choose to think of all I learned because I was subtracted out, then my difference is growth. If I choose to think in terms of how happy I was having that person in my life for however long I got to have it, then my difference is gratitude. If I were to take all the differences and create a whole new math problem, adding each to the other than my differences become something entirely new. My differences will become an addend, an augend and become the sum total of my experience, which for me turned out to be love. By the time all the equations were done, what I was left with was love for them, for me, for what was and what could never be.
What now, you ask? Much like my second grade blackboard, these current equations will be erased in time to make room for more problems. And just like my second grade self, I will try my level best to figure things out and listen to the instructions. But bottom line, I am just a writer. You do the math.