Diary of a Dullard

2 AM-wake up from falling asleep on the couch due to swamp like hot flashes. Made a cup of tea, went outside, heard insane howling, went back in locking the door behind me, as if that would stop a Werewolf from breaking in and killing me and the useless sleeping dogs who are supposed to be protecting me.
3 AM back on the couch believing naively that the couch and a 24 hour news channel is what keeps my hot flashes at bay. I spend the next hour pulling the blanket on and pushing the blanket off, while simultaneously freezing and sweating.
4 AM trying to fall back to sleep, but riveted to the TV as the infomercial assures me I can lose 35 pounds in a week and a half. I sip my tea, only to realize I chose the wrong one and I am drinking a caffeinated beverage. I spend the next 45 minutes calling myself an idiot.
5 AM I lay on the couch eyes wide open while the rest of my body falls asleep, tingling madly. I stand trying to desperately fill my limbs with blood to get the tingling to stop, while wondering why people pay good money for ointments to promote this uncomfortable feeling. I turn on the computer, thinking I will write something brilliant, but end up on facebook,making comments on walls of people I haven't seen in 30 years.
6 AM Back on the couch exhausted, I watch the headlines and Bloomberg channel to verify that the country is going to hell in a hand basket. I close my eyes to the TV in the background buzzing that the economy will be in the crapper for another 4 years. I doze off thinking I will fight the cats to the death for their food if necessary.
8 AM wake up to the husband trying to find one of the kids. "Have you seen him?" the husband asks. "No, I was sleeping, or I thought I was sleeping.Did you call him?" I then blurry eyed, stumble into the kitchen for an IV drip of coffee directly from the pot. We find the boy, properly chastise him for his lack of communication and I head for the back patio, in search of the sun. It's gray and raining, as I mope about moving twelve hundred miles away from gloomy weather only to have it follow us here.
9 AM Feeling slightly awake I listen to the family as they grocery list their activities for the day. I map out travels required for my car, then go in search of something to read. I sit blankly staring at a magazine for the next two hours.
11 AM I watch Mike get ready for work, put laundry in the washer, after throwing some kids laundry into the dryer while cursing the entire time. I sit at the computer trying to get into my writing, but end up on twitter, tweeting about Edgar Allan Poe's birthday.
1 PM I realize I haven't eaten, reducing my metabolism to that of a slug. I juice some veggies, finishing with macaroni and cheese. Feeling guilty about all the carbs I start to get on the treadmill when I remember the laundry. Once again I profanely throw someone's laundry into a basket, switching my own from washer to dryer. I sort the rest of my clothes and find my missing lipstick. I look into the mirror to apply some when I get distracted by the dirty sinks. I inadvertently drop the lipstick back in my laundry only to discover it in the dyer, all over my clothes several hours later.
3 PM I am bored, restless, want to go for a walk and see it is still raining. I curse the weather, again, and head for the treadmill. The dogs race to the door to be let out. They have me trained so I let them out waiting by the door as I am certain they will only last five minutes. They are back to be let in at four and half minutes.
4 PM I watch Oprah in Australia, as she lives her exciting life. I make popcorn, eating a few handfuls before I start to feel nauseous, remembering I don't really like popcorn.
5:30 PM I fix dinner for me and whoever may or may not show up. Mike is at work, so I am unmotivated to cook. I use leftovers to concoct some experimental food, that only Tom will eat, which he promptly does and disappears.
8 PM I sit down to watch TV only to discover there are 5000 channels and nothing that interests me is on. I channel flip for the next hour willing scintillating entertainment to the television. Nothing happens, so I turn the news back on.
9 PM I remember I was supposed to go on the treadmill. Feeling it's too late for that I spend the next hour in failed depression.
10 PM I fall asleep. I dream of kitchen cupboards. I dream that I have gutted my kitchen without a plan or money to fix anything. In the dream dishes are lying around the floor, the dogs are helping themselves to all of our food, and I cannot find our table.
2 AM I wake up drenched in sweat. I search for my rubber gloves in case things got weird last night while I was sleeping. I make tea and head for the front porch. I sit sipping my tea, while listening to the distant howl of coyotes, or werewolves.