Resolutions, Why Bother?

I see where folks say they never write resolutions anymore. I get why they don't. I get why change is hard, making resolutions seems like a paved way to failure. But, when I personally don't make them, I find myself stuck in the same rut I had the year before, so I feel like I need to write things down. Mike and I laugh at each other as we try and remember the grocery list, let alone when we try and make big changes in our life, remembering which path to take to get there. I find myself at the end of a year looking back at what worked, and what didn't. My resolution list has some things I find myself putting on every year. Every year I write those things down, and every year I find myself no further along than the year before. I am good at failure, having practiced so much for so many years. My failures usually have to do with me more than anything professionally or with my family. I have many resolutions that are for all intent and purpose, done. Even as I write the long list of all the things I would like to accomplish, I find myself putting me at the bottom of the list. Every year I shake my head, wondering how I got so far off track. The truth is, there are always legitimate reasons to wait on taking care of me. There is never enough time in a day, or money in the account to do all the things I need to do for me, let alone take care of the "want" part of my life.
Last year, I felt myself change in a negative way physically. Ultimately, I began to see the change too. I was becoming someone I didn't recognize; I was beginning to be hunched over, gray haired, wrinkled and pasty. My weight was creeping up and my body began to make these sounds...these horrible cracking, popping, creeking sounds never before heard from a human being (well, actually, I have friends who have admitted to making these sounds, as well, but it was a first for me). I had literally let myself go. I had given up on squeezing me into my own life. This I believe is the plight of most women. I am sure some men have the same ordeal to face, but I connect in a visceral way to other women who go through this.
So, now I am left with being a bottom-runger. I got exactly what I gave to me.
Before I ever even considered writing my first book, I had put my intention in writing, going so far as to create a picture of a book with my title and author name. I wanted to see it for myself. I wanted something tangible I could reference that would remind me that I was more than the dishes I washed, the laundry I did, or the dogs I walked.
I have a folder I keep adding to as my wants and wishes get satisfied or completed. Some people use a an actual board to see all they hope to accomplish. A vision board, something I wrote about in my book, is an important tool for me. It's a way for me to see things already done. As simplistic as it may seem, it allows me to think of things completed with only the path to get there left for me to figure out. I had my folder open one day and had to laugh, even my hopes and dreams were contained in something left over by our kids. It was if being a living left-over wasn't enough, I needed to reiterate that point by not allowing myself to buy a board to do this. Pathetic, that is what immediately came to mind, I am pathetic. I am not worth three dollars worth of poster board?
Maybe now you can see why I need to have resolutions. If I can't even pony up a few bucks for myself in order to become a better person, than it really is time for an overhaul.
My resolutions have always had more to do with how I am with others, than how I treat myself. This year, I want to flip the script and start thinking about what I want. What it is I really want. Here is the hard part, I want to do it without thinking first how it effects anybody else. I want to put me first. Not in all the years I have been a grown up have I asked myself what it is I really want. One day when Mike asked me, I sat stunned because I had no answer. Did you hear me? I didn't talk. That got your attention, didn't it? I sat frozen to my chair, mute and unable to comprehend what it was he was asking me to do. You would have thought he had just asked me to explain String Theory.
"Kellie, what do you want out of all of this?" Michael poses the question I have yet to answer. My response was simply, "I have no earthly idea."
My first resolution of the new year is to figure out what I really want for me, and then for him, and for us. The logistics have been easy, where to live, how we are with each other, what lifestyle we want, but where I am as an individual remains to be seen. I know I want to be kind. I know I want to remain grateful, happy, child like, joyful, helpful. What I don't know is what I want to look like, how much success do I want, what I want for me. Having always thought in terms of the greater good for the children, who are now grown, and the husband, who now wants me to think about me, I find myself stumped by a simple question.
So there it is, resolution number one, figure out how to answer the burning question,"What do I want?"
Resolution two through forty-five have more to do with work, weight loss, and connecting with others. The long, long list of improvements that need to be made could go on forever on my resolution list. I always want to be a nicer version of who I was. I always want to consider others feelings in everything I do.
I guess, some habits are just too hard to break.