Tomorrow Is the First Day of the Rest of My Book

Today is the last day in May. This means tomorrow I have to start producing the new book online. I should have worked yesterday, since the deadline is so close. I should have...but I didn't. I did a few things, checked my outlines, got my notebooks, well, most of them, since they are scattered everywhere. I should have spent yesterday writing for hours, but I didn't. My instinct is to cheat, not writing fully in the moment, but writing weeks ahead so all I have to do is stick everything online. For me that is cheating. I said I would be writing this in real time, meaning everyday I write, you get to see, to read what I go through to try and get this baby off the ground. Being a complete and utter dork, for my entire life, I am used to humility. It is my natural habitat. Take your most embarrassing moment and picture yourself living it every day. That is my life.
I had the benefit of an editor last time, so this took the pressure off me. By the time the book was produced it had been gone over, word by word, line by line. Editing is really tedious. I give editors so much credit for their ability to look at the same stuff for months and never cease to miss the smallest thing out of place. I had to edit the book with my editor last time. Quite frankly, I was sick of me and my writing by then. Her notes would come back to me, "Maybe phrase it this way...This seems redundant...Can you give me more of this..." Emily, my editor was a rock star as far as I am concerned. She had the patience of Job.
Without Emily by my side, guiding my writing, my phraseology, steering the course of my thoughts and stories, I have real fears about what this will look like.
In the end, it is supposed to show my imperfections. This part of writing the book is supposed to be unfinished, raw, unedited.
I had someone suggest this was unprofessional. I agree, it is unprofessional. The professional thing to do would be to wait and let someone shred the pages of the book down to nothing and rebuild. That is what writers do in order for their work to be it's best. This project was never supposed to be professional. What I want, what I desire in it's greatest measure, is to have this connect, to show the gut level of who I am. I guess, if anyone wants the "professional" version, they can wait until it's published in paperback and Kindle.
My goal is simple- be a prolific writer all summer long (Monday through Friday, because I need a few days off, too), try my hardest to do good work, forgive my foibles and mistakes, connect in whatever way I can to the people who so graciously read this, and learn something new about myself. This is about pushing myself to do what I say, stick to my word, produce something tangible, and grow as a writer.
Another writer told me recently I was crazy to put my crap online. She said I should wait to publish it and then put it here. She rattled off a dozen reasons why this was a terrible idea. You know what I heard? Fear...plain and simple I heard the nagging voice in my head that tries to stop me when there is risk involved. I get it, I do. She wrote in all caps, "WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PROVE?" I thought about that for a long time. What am I trying to prove? Am I trying to prove anything? My answer is this: I don't know.
There is this great part in an Indiana Jones movie where he is standing at the edge of a cliff. He is supposed to leap without seeing where the path is. He is supposed to have blind faith that the directions are right, that his instincts are right to follow them, even without seeing the ground to step on. In the movie, we the viewer then get to see that what looks like a cliff with a drop to the bottom, is actually a path that can only be seen from a different angle.
That's what this is. It is a view point from a different angle. Maybe it is all the negative stuff people have hurled at me lately, or maybe, just maybe it's the best thing I have done in years.
My mom, bless her heart, used to say this to me whenever I was afraid, "What's the worst thing that can happen if you do this and it fails?" I love this question because I have learned from my mom that in truth the worst thing that can happen is I have taken a summer and written all summer long, things that will never make it to print. The worst thing is people will hate it. That doesn't scare me even a little. I had 4 kids in 4 years. They are in college. If you want to scare me, you had better bring your A game, because people not liking me or my work happens in my house on a daily basis.
I am thrilled to be doing this. It's like a roller coaster ride without the vomit. The worst thing would be if I didn't try. Living in fear, backing away from a challenge is crippling. It would mean I am no longer recognizable to me.
Tomorrow, is going to be the a great day. It will be me and you and this blog, throwing out chapters and seeing what sticks. I feel very much in the moment, very alive, like I am buzzing. I know folks who do extreme sports do get this kind of feeling. I get to have it without the worry of a broken bone. Now to me, breaking a hip, now that is something to be scared of.