How to be famous in a week and a half

Want to be famous? Want your tweets, or facebook comments, statuses and website to go viral? Do you find yourself lonely, out of touch with reality, wanting everyone on the series of tubes to follow your every breath? The answer is simple, as is the mindset you will have to have in order to accomplish this rather insignificant, short-lived explosion of infamy. That is what I am talking about, infamy. Dave Chappelle who ran all the way to Africa to get away from the barrage of fame said it best, "You can never be un-famous, you can be infamous, but you can never be un-famous."

All I have to do in order to sell my book is pull my pants down, take drugs, get drunk, video my bad behavior and say some really horrible things followed by weeks of press coverage of "heartfelt" apologies, until my stats go down and the cycle repeats itself. Seems simple enough. I could start by saying incredibly insensitive things about Japan, then go to making fun of Elizabeth Taylor, while simultaneously writing lies about her, as if it were the God's honest truth. I would work my way through politics, saying I had evidence that every member of Congress was born out of wedlock to the same father who is now trying to take over the world. An alien invasion always makes good press.
I will falsely accuse those who I say I love, tell family secrets as if they were recipes and make sure I have at least on arrest, misdemeanors only, because I don't actually want to have to pay for a crime in jail, posting my mug shot for all to see. I will make it my profile picture. After months of just awful, embarrassing behavior including, but not exclusive to the launch of my faux music career on youtube with an over produced, manufactured video and endless autotuner, to cover up the fact I am a no talent hack. I will pen my memoir and sell it through an endless stream of PR people, agents and lawyers.
OR...I could just work at my job. I could write everyday, trying to improve upon my supposed skill set, constantly checking for errors, reading more to improve my vocabulary and here's a crazy notion, try to do the right thing by not using people's tragic ignorance or indiscretions as my personal entertainment. I could focus on the good in people and try to promote art, culture, good deeds, altruism, patience, kindness and decency. Oh, but that takes too long to become famous that way. I would actually have to prove I have some kind of talent, and what if I don't? What if I spend years writing and no one thinks I am any good? What if I work everyday at what I love to do and I still don't have what it takes to pass up Snooki on the New York best sellers list?
There is no such thing as an over night success, unless you are talking about the manufactured and packaged child stars who eventually end up in the criminal system, because their parents pimped them out for fast cash. Even then, these idiots have spent months on the road dressing up their little darlings in inappropriate outfits, dragging them to auditions, making them perform like a trained poodle, until some sleaze bag grabs a hold of them getting them commercial time and a Disney show.
Some poor kid threw out a video, mind you she is only 13 years old and the infamy started rolling in. The remarks I saw on twitter were despicable, hateful and damaging. I suppose for her parents it's all good if the cash rolls in. They can say they did it to raise money for college. They can excuse their bad behavior as parents letting everyone know she asked for it, she wanted this. They don't have to have any foresight in this. They don't have to protect her in any way if as a child she requested them to pay for the atrocious video that has put her on the map. Those that destroy her can claim it is the price of fame. She is a public figure now, isn't she?
Here's one of the few things I am certain of, no kid understands the price of fame. Hell, most adults don't get it until it's too late. The idea that being infamous is the same as being recognized for real talent is ludicrous. Famous people with all their money, can be hostages of the very thing they thought they were seeking. I may never be recognized as a "famous" author. Most people who write, paint, or produce don't become a household name, at least not until they are dead, and that is a price I am not willing to pay just yet. The few, the very few who are alive and well adjusted who are famous are a minute percentage. Just because a few "lucky" people make it out alive after being discovered on the interweb, doesn't make it the best idea to pursue.
You, too, can be famous in a very short period time if you are willing to lose your conscience, your mind and your privacy. But be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.