You Are Cordially Invited

Ever had one of those day when you just wanted to pull the covers over your head and not come out? Yeah, mine started in January. I was thinking yesterday how easy it would be to just sit around and feel sorry for myself. My pity party would be all the rage, hats, music, flowing bottles of alcohol, lots of whining with gnashing of teeth. In my head I had it all planned out. Why not, I thought? I have the time and resources. Surely, all the things that have happened to me lately would back up my feelings of doom and gloom. Oh, wait, I remembered, I can't do that, I am the hopeful one. Being hopeful, with a sunny disposition sucks! Because I am more happy than not happy, I don't seem to have the focus to manage to the time it takes to feel that bad for that long.
Although things have been a little rough, no one has cancer, the house is still standing, the animals are healthy, Mike and I are still here. Just exactly how bad do I have it? Turns out, not as bad as I feel. But if I feel like crap, shouldn't that be enough? No, turns out it isn't. It takes about 7 seconds to turn on the T.V. to see hundreds of thousands of people who have it worse. Even Charlie Sheen, who has been everywhere on the news has it worse than I do, and he sleeps on piles of money, with porn stars as his beck and call girls. I say he has it worse, because he isn't grateful for anything. His attitude, regardless of how crazy he is and I personally think he is nuts, is one of a spoiled child. So, he may have money and fame, I have never had to battle my own addled brain, just to be decent when speaking of others. I am neither ungrateful for what we do have or what income makes it to the house. So I have it better than your average Beverly Hills millionaire. After this thought, I instantly knew I had no real gripe. I am not a drug addict, alcoholic, insane, disease riddled, or spoiled. I have the ability for perspective. I still have my marbles, even though many have been lost or at the very least, loose and rolling around in my head.
Maybe, Charlie isn't the best example of what I should compare my problems to. Hmmmm, let's see what is going on in the world. Then the news of Japan is plastered everywhere. Nope, I still have it so much better than anyone living over there. I didn't have to run for my life away from falling buildings and a tsunami the size of the California coast. Let's take a look back this way. I lose again, against the bus tragedy in New York. OK, I will check myself against something closer to home. Let's stay in Texas for a minute. I will narrow it down to Houston, even, so I have a fighting chance to keep all my self absorbed, self pitying ways. Crap! I can't even begin to fathom what those parents of the little ones who died in the day care where the owner fled to Nigeria, felt like as they buried their children.
Seems I don't have a leg to stand on when it comes to pity. When seeing my problems in real time, everywhere I look, there is something worse going on. I would like to think I am justified in my self centered, "feel sorry for me" thinking, but in truth, it really always could be worse. Maybe, this is why I usually don't waste my time on it. Back when Danny died, people didn't really understand the grief the kids felt, or that I felt at the time. There was no time to sit back and feel bad because the days kept coming. I used to say back then, one day I would take the time to have the nervous breakdown I so richly deserved. Our biggest, most traumatic moment wasn't really dramatic for anyone but us. It was a time of quiet, deafening silence of a grief stricken family, having no earthly idea of what to do next except get on with it.
That is what real drama looks like, it isn't dramatic at all. It isn't like the movies where you're rotting in a house surrounded by a thousand cats, or hordes of people show up with pie. It is generally quiet, contained to those who are grieving their loss. I remember feeling how odd it was when the sun would shine, the alarm would go off and I would dress for work and pack the kids away to school. Our life altering event looked by all means, "normal". I suppose I could have gone off the edge and no one would have blamed me. I saw a father who had kids in the same school, do exactly that for the same reason I had; the mother of his kids died of cancer. He became an alcoholic, drifting further and further from reality, until he was no longer recognizable. I suppose, I could have gone that way. But I didn't. I went to work, putting my head down, just trying to wait until the darkest days passed.
My life now is not really all that dramatic. I have problems and "situations" beyond my control, beyond my scope of expertise. We deal with whatever lands on our door step one day at a time. When things get really tough, my family bands together. My kids check to see what they can do to help. My husband reassures me he loves me. My animals lay close to me offering their silent solace. The people and pets in my household travel in a pack.
So I am rescinding the invitations to my personal pity party. I am in much too good of a mood and way to happy to look that sour, or feel that bad. Put away your party hats, your sad Irish bar songs, and wait for the next time when I pull my out my Pity Party supplies. I am saving the decorations for a time when I may actually need them. For now, I'm going to put my head down, get to work, remember to feel an ounce of gratitude I have a family who loves me and wait for the dark days to pass. Oh, look, here comes the sun, now...