A Purrrfect Life/Lives

I feel like I have to write this about the previous blog. I think I need to do this because Mike read it and said the "S" word. "It's sad, all that you went through." I heard his words and immediately felt disappointed. "What if that is all people get from it?" I asked knowing in my heart my intention got disconnected somehow. " I don't want people to think I am sad." Mike responded with, "There are a lot of sad things in the blog, Kel. I know what you went through."
Yeah, he does know what I went through. I walked through hell and made it to the other side. I was beaten physically and emotionally until I nearly disappeared, but that is not what I focus on these days or for a long time for that matter. When I write about my past it is in order to show how far down I was and how far I have come. This is the debate I have in my head all the time. Do I write the absolute truth or dilute it in order for others to feel more comfortable. My want, my need to write doesn't mean everyone should see every word I put in writing, right now. That is why there are editors for books. But my gut says to tell the truth, the way things really were, the attitudes I held at the time, the way things unfolded that got me to a place of happy.
I had kidney problems as a kid, hence the whole bed wetting scenario I paint pretty regularly. I was told as a small child that if things didn't get better I was facing dialysis and possible transplant. I took medication, had multiple surgeries and gave up on ever feeling "normal". The worst case scenario never happened.
I am still here.
I was hit by a car when I was 19 picking up a cat that was nearly dead on the side of the road. The road was unlit and the car was a black car that hit me while I was bending over with a towel trying to pry this crushed cat off the road so it wouldn't be hit again. I had seen the lights in it's eyes, still blinking as cars drove over it. I had a towel in my car's trunk, so I stopped, using the towel bent over to pick it up when WHAM! A car hit my left hip and sent me soaring air born, about 5 feet into a fence. I dropped the cat, who crawled away from me, I think believing it was better off dying alone than hanging around the unlucky likes of me. I could have been killed. I could have been maimed. A thousand different things could have happened that would have made my current life impossible.
I am still here.
I had a full arrest at 28. I lost almost every ounce of blood in my body. My body had shut down long enough for me to learn that death isn't to be feared. I was hooked up to machines I could barely pronounce. It took two years of my life to earn back my spot in the human race. I struggled and still do today with the blow back of not having a brain that worked the same as it did. I would walk away from that experience forever changed by it. But without it I would not have fully lived the life I had so generously been given back.
I am still here.
I fell asleep at the wheel at a stop light because I worked 6 days a week and cared for my four young children, with only 3 hours of sleep a day for years. I lost consciousness in a busy intersection where I still can't believe I and my 4 young kids weren't killed. I jolted awake, seeing the other cars pass me by wondering how long I had been out. There was no one to watch them then. I had to be awake, alert responsible. it was my purpose, in many ways my sole purpose to do that. By the grace of God went we as I drove away from the scene of my parental crime knowing that a second different would have ended my family, due to a tragedy of mine, not being able to stay awake beyond the normal human condition. We went home. I cried and prayed that the next day I would be able to stay awake. Failure was not an option. I continued to believe in my heart and soul that one day we would be able to get off that hamster wheel and have love, and a designated driver if need be.
I am still here.
I got diagnosed, quite by accident with an ovarian tumor the size of a loaf of bread. It weighed 3 1/2 pounds. Had they not found it when they did I would not be here and my children would have been orphans. It was a series of amazing events that saved my life. I would have ignored the constant pain, the constant symptoms thinking I was the last one to be taken care of. I would have died of a rupture, cancer or gangrene. All things were in motion to kill me. Things were taking place in my body that I actively pushed aside in order to not think or have to pay for with my health or the precious little money we had to take care of each other. But it was found. I was saved. My dreams did come true.
I am still here.
There have been so many times in my life when I have been spared. My mom says I am like a cat with my many lives. I suppose I am, since I have been lucky enough to land on my feet. I have been blessed. I believe in God and have for a very long time without all the drama of going through my life, but if I hadn't believed back then I certainly would believe now. My life has been nothing short of a divine intervention keeping me here, alive and happy, hopeful and learning. If I hadn't lived the life I had been given, then I would be different. I said different, not necessarily better. I believe I have been given opportunities rather than tragedies. Without the individual events that have shaped and formed who I am, I am not sure I would be so certain of love, gratitude, forgiveness. And I am sure. I am certain how important each life is that connects to other lives. I see the the threads of my life stringing one to another creating the picture of a woman who knows love when she sees it, feels it deeply in her soul, shows emotion without embarrassment now. I see my life as if I am an observer, not feeling the pain of my past, but grateful for the chances, the opportunities to live so fully, so completely that I can feel the joy of my life to my very bones.
I am still here. I am still learning, screwing things up, begging for forgiveness, loving those in my life, dreaming of a future I cannot fathom, but willingly give to God to do as He pleases.
So if the blogs ever make you feel sad, stop! Do not feel the pain, feel the wonder, the awe of a life transformed. Know that I am recalling history, not drowning in pain or my own tears. I am uplifted by my life. I do have regrets, but none that I would seek changed by. I am who I am because of the life I have led. When I recall the sadness, cry if you feel it, but smile as you finish reading, knowing how it all ended happily ever after.