Mouth Shut, Open Heart

So, after being away from things for a week, my self imposed exile taught me I have a lot to learn. So much about my writing started out about telling what I know, but being more quiet than ever, I found myself learning so much more than I thought possible.
Good Friday I cleaned the house and prayed while I did it. It wasn't about being religious. It was more about being faithful. As a Catholic I could talk all day, every day about how we as a church have gotten it wrong. I don't believe in one religion or one church. I am much more open minded than that. I am Catholic because it suits me with all of it's rituals, it's deep seated traditions. Sometimes I feel like I need to explain that, mostly because I never want to perpetuate any idea that I or the collective we know the answer. I don't think I am any closer to God than anyone else who believes in a higher being. I have no want to be exclusionary. All that judgment seems dangerous to me. Besides, it's not my job. God said He would handle it, and I believe Him.
As I scrubbed the floors on my hands and knees, I felt closer to my God. Cleanliness is close to Godliness for me. One of my favorite movie scenes has Morgan Freeman as God, in Bruce Almighty, talking about manual labor. "Some of the happiest people come home after a hard days work, stinking to high heaven..." I am paraphrasing, since I don't have the memory to retain movie lines or memorize poetry or verse, but you get the idea. That was the thought in my head as I cleaned up after four kids, and seven animals. I prayed the rosary, or "bead party" a reference my friend said on FB. I cleaned and prayed and prayed and cleaned. Before I knew it the day was gone, and I lay exhausted on the couch.
Saturday came and I finally made it to the store. I bought most of the groceries we will need for the month. The cart was overflowing and I felt relieved to have finally made it there and back, without a single phone call from home. Of course, when I got home I realized I had forgotten my phone, but nobody even tried to call, so I was still good.
Saturday night we had friends over so I talked and talked and talked. I also drank wine, ate cheese and laughed a lot.
Easter came quietly, with most of my brood working. I cooked, took it easy and watched movies. I never made it to church, but I have no real regrets about it since the pews, I am sure were packed to the rafters. Maybe next year...it's what I say when things don't work out as planned. It would be tough for me to regret sleeping in since Michael and I rarely get to do that. When it happens, I see it as a gift.
So there it is, my week of trying to keep my mouth shut, a success in that I am still growing, learning, still seeing things with new eyes. I am still able to look at nature, my family, my own life as if seeing it for the first time. That in itself amazes me, the childlike heart that remains in my ever aging body, is my personal miracle, and one I try never to take for granted.
I had tiny epiphanies all week long. One made me laugh out loud, while I sat watching Oprah alone. Oprah had a show highlighting her friendship with Gayle King. In the audience there were best friends, all women. The show was about best friendships where the women share everything. My best girlfriends and I don't share everything, we share a lot, mind you, but we don't have time to talk every day. My Gayle King is actually Michael. He is who I would have taken to that show. He is the person I talk to every day. He has been the person I have talked to everyday, long before we were married, and remains the one I want to share everything with still. I knew he was my best friend, but I just realized he was my very best friend, like the ones other women talk about referring to their girlfriends. I hear some women talk about their husbands and I think sometimes men get marginalized, compartmentalized into a certain role. For Michael and me, we were such great friends before we got married, talking, laughing, carrying on, I had already established my real self in front of him and he was his true self in front of me, long before we committed to each other. Our expanded roles in our lives makes things richer.
There have been many moments where I discovered things I guess I knew, but had never before recognized. My quiet allowed me to see things rather than just talk about them. My house has been more peaceful recently than in previous days. I know it's partly due to my quiet, but it's mostly due to my feeling more peaceful, so it turned contagious.
I have gained things from the past week, I will continue to carry with me. I wrote more this week, got more accomplished, found myself valuing things I had taken for granted. I think the family gained a few insights this week, too. Some of the wisdom was hard earned for them. Only they know how much they will retain. I plan on scheduling more quiet tome for me. Quite frankly, I have earned it. I know now without a shadow of a doubt, what I gained was much bigger than sacrifice I thought