Silence is a fence around wisdom. ~German Proverb

I didn't get the chance to write last night, due to the fact I was busy living my life instead of writing about it. No snarkiness intended, just a bit of truth.
Day 3-I was pretty quiet most of the day until my oldest told me she wanted to take me out to eat. With Michael gone for the evening, the only plans I had was clean, finish some laundry and languish well into the evening missing my man/friend. Yes, I was more than a little free to go out and shake the dust of myself, since most of the week I looked more like a dust rag than a human.
My daughter, a college graduate and full time waitress, while waiting to go back to school for her second degree and grad school, has been dating someone for a while now, whom I have never met. She is a little secretive about her life, since she has no privacy in our house. Once a week we catch up on what is going on in her world. We talk about everything, including the mystery man. I had seen pictures of him, but no face to face contact. She waits when it comes to her personal life, before she lets me in. I have always thought it was more about her wanting to control her own life, than her being embarrassed of me. The truth is, I am a bit brutal when it comes to her and my other kids. I still do that thing where I ask "What are your intentions?" Now that, she is absolutely embarrassed by.
We had a quiet dinner where her "friend" (she hates the word boyfriend) waited on us. I watched him watch her. I watched as he asked her about what she wanted to eat, made suggestions, and gazed in her direction. That was my take-away from the evening, the way he looked at her. To be quite honest, I could give a crap if I like him, or what my opinion is about the man. What I am fascinated by, is how he feels about her and her about him. So I watched them both, their body language, the small smiles, the secret glances, the way they postured themselves. Removing the stalker-like attitude of my watching, I enjoyed seeing her life through their eyes. The man is 23, in college and wanting to be successful, all good things. He is handsome, bright and polite. And he is smitten by my girl.
At the end of the evening, I got the chance to meet his mother, who I must say is completely lovely. We chatted for nearly an hour, just talking kids, jobs, school, houses and parents. I get why he is smitten with my girl. His mother, whom he adores, is all of the things my girl is.
So, last night I was chatty. I allowed my life to go past any self inflicted silent treatment. I was thinking about sacrifice, as I let go of any preconceived notions of what this week was going to end up being and let it happen organically. I know what real sacrifice is, I have 4 kids. I could spend all day, every day listing out all the things I have sacrificed in the name of motherhood. What I sacrificed yesterday, by letting myself live rather than sit in my quiet place, was just another small thing in order to be there for my kids. It's always in retrospect that the sacrifices can be named, but at the time, they seem so small, so innocuous, so nothing. These small moments are the ones that take minutes and build into years, all the adult years of my life. I wouldn't change a thing.
When my girl and I got home, we had a glass of wine while sitting in the balmy evening, just talking. We talked for hours, sitting cross legged on our seats, looking into each other's faces, about family, friends, men, life. As I sat there looking at my grown child, so beautiful, smart and funny, I saw what the man in her life saw. She is extraordinary in her grace. When the night ended, she disappeared and I will not see her again until maybe next week or the week after, due to scheduling conflicts.
I learned something invaluable about myself last night and even verbalized it to the new man's mother. I have the gift of time right now. For years, I worked multiple jobs, ran to school, band and sporting events, did chores and house work, vet visits, orthodontic appointments, all the things mother's do every day. My only real wish was to have time. When I prayed, I would beg for it. I never felt as though I had the chance to catch my breath. When my careers ended, I spent my time panicked about not working. When I prayed, it was always for new job, a new opportunity, something else. I believe God answered my original prayer by giving me the time to spend with my kids, my husband, even my pets get more of me than ever before. I had been whining about getting the very thing I had asked for. Just a couple of weeks ago, I had decided it was time to stop panicking and let things happen the way they are supposed to. All that fretting did was make me tired and anxious. I am sinking into my new life, releasing the guilt of not "working" outside the home. I do have jobs, they are different from anything I have ever had before, so I had no idea how to act. What I did, ultimately, was act like an ungrateful brat. I have no idea how long I will have all this time on my hands. It came up suddenly, and in truth, it could all disappear. I know many women who would give their right arm to have as much time and freedom as I do.
So even as I broke my silence, I still was able to connect to a higher ideal than when I started this. Instead of viewing the change as failure, I viewed it as evolution, continual growth, and indeed that is exactly what I was able to receive.
Don't you just love it, when out of nowhere you get exactly what you asked for, long after you forgot you asked for it in the first place? The journey continues. I am back to holding my tongue, watching my words like word balloons from a cartoon hanging over my head. I'm just really happy, I chose to veer off the planned path. The experience was invaluable. And I held my tongue just long enough not really embarrass my daughter.