Shhhhhh

I am taking the week from verbiage. I will not be talking, going on inter tubes, or doing anything else that might require me to talk.
I am not doing it as a political stance, or even some heavy religious reason. I am doing it between Palm Sunday and Easter for my own little "I do not want to lose sight of what's really important" religious reason. Being Catholic we are required to give things up during lent. We are required to fast in sacrifice in some small part, so we show respect for the sacrifices that have been made on our behalf. This is something I have wanted to do for a while, just be quiet. I almost canceled my personal facebook account. I still might. I like the series of tubes, but the truth is, it is a time sucker, a mind boggler and sometimes a major time waster. Time is the one thing I have more than at any other period in my life. It seems rude to waste it. My kids love to point out to me that the clock is ticking and every day is a gift. Though, I must admit the way they say it, it doesn't seem like a lovely reminder, as much as a veiled threat.
Living with 4 Grids (Sinbad's term for half grown, half kid people living in our house)the noise level is something even industrial ear protection can't muffle. It is like living in a frat house...again. Technically I lived in a sorority house, but the chaos is the same, only it smelled better. Fast talking, loose lipped, foul languaged, pessimistic, beer drinking, last minute acting, sticky floor people surround me. I haven't had a floor this sticky since they were all pre-schoolers. The minute the mopping was done, I was walking the bucket full of dirty water to the utility sink, I would hear, "Uh, oh!" I knew I had to empty the bucket just to fill it up again with suds to clean up the disaster that awaited me. One kid recently misjudged a pass into the kitchen with beer bottles to the fridge when they all crashed to the floor. That is really when it became official I was living in the "Animal House". I still catch a whiff of it every once in a while.
I love my grids, I do, Your Honor, I swear. But I am old and tired and completely over living like a 20 something. I do remember all the "fun" we had. No one had any money, cheap beer was our beverage of choice, food came in wrappers only, and loud music was the only sound filling our living quarters. I do remember all the unnecessary drama about people I do not even know anymore. I remember doing laundry every other week, because my quarters were lost in a bar during our favorite drinking game. Remembering it is not my issue, this time. Not wanting to re-live my past is. I like Italian and French wine now. I listen to R&B music in the background under the volume of conversation. Fast food doesn't agree with me anymore, so my meals consist of quality over quantity. I do Yoga, meditate in the morning, take long walks, ride my bike, write in my notebooks. My life is quieter now. I lived loud for a long time. Having 4 kids in 4 years, I had no other choice but to live out loud. There was always clear and present danger.
"Mom! The boys put Betty in the trunk!" "Mom! Tom climbed out the second story window into the tree!" "Mom! Christy is chasing Dan with dog poop on a stick!" "Mom! We are out of lunch meat!"
Every phrase was at the ear deafening, high pitched, piercing scream. There was no real inflection, because it is hard to show inflection at the top of your lungs. The kids would ask why I yelled so much. My answer was I had gone deaf during their childhood and it was the only way to get their attention. I wasn't always loud. I had moments when I would sit by myself and be quiet. Living in a small house with 6 people sort of prevents those moments.
I have made up signs for the answers I intend to give for the next week, so I do not have to break my silence. "Yes", "No", "I have no idea", "Go ask Mike", "I am not interested in this right now", "DO NOT take your drama to your Mama", "Stop it", "Put that/them down", and last but not least, "Dinner is whatever you make, buy or scavenge".
I had thought I would put together a survival package for the family so I could take this time. But the truth is I gave the kid's the tools they need to survive a long time ago, so doing anything more is redundant. They are Grids, not Kids. They will get through this, somehow. My hope for them to appreciate the fact that if I am not talking, then I am not nagging them either. If I am not actively participating in their life, then I am not passing judgment on it either. We'll see if that is the teachable moment they come up with.
It's a tough world out there right now, so I am happy to lend a helping hand to my grids. But for now, I am happier doing something nice for me. Last week for a brief moment, the entire house was empty except for me and the petting zoo. I was having a private dance party when the Fed-Ex guy busted me looking in through the front door. Unabashedly, I went answered the door with sweat dripping from my hair, out of breath. He looked a little stunned at first, I think, because I was not embarrassed to be caught. "Do you have kids?" I asked. He said quietly, "Yeah, two little ones." I smiled sweetly at him. "I have four kids, all in college, all who live at home." He slowly shook his head in awe of my survival. Any signs of judgment about my dance party were history now. He handed me my package and shuffled off to his truck. I knew he was thinking that all the plans he and his wife had made about living alone were blown to bits. I used to think that way. It is part of the survival kit we parents have to endure the children's high school years. "Once they are in college, we are home free..."
I giggled at the naive delivery guy who had just learned things don't always happen the way you plan and went back dancing like a maniac, until I heard a key in the locked front door. Next week I will take my party one step further and pretend I am living the life I am so ready for.